1. The smell of lilacs.
2. Butterflies' way of floating haphazardly yet lazily on warm breezes.
3. When dogs scratch their backs by rolling around, tongues lolling, unselfconscious.
4. Toddlers chasing bubble.
5. Sushi
6. Coffee--rich, dark, thick, creamy
7. The soft green grass under Grandma and Pop's tree.
8. Lichen on trees -- life is everywhere, life is ON life.
9. Squirrels -- mischief and fun
10. Birds -- innocence
11. Apple and cherry blossoms that hang off trees so heavily in the spring that you can shake a branch and have them flutter down like sweet-smelling snowflakes.
12. Horses' glossy necks and rolling eyes.
13. Glass bottles of different sizes and shapes
14. Star-shaped things
15. Home buying and decorating shows -- all the POSSIBILITIES of them! Which house to buy, what to do with it, so many things to discover!
16. Stuffed animals
17. Museums with old taxidermy exhibits -- animals hundreds of years dead preserved in glorious imperfection.
18. That rooting thing that toddler Juniper does when opening her mouth for a large bite of something -- a throwback to her days of breastfeeding and trying to latch onto my nipple. (It will surely vanish soon!)
19. Girls with tattooed backs
20. Grapes and berries popping sweetness in your mouth.
21. Creamy nutty sharpness of good cheese.
22. Red wine - sipping it, warming it in my hands, feeling its warmth spread throughout my body.
23. Sorrowful, wistful music
24. Bold jewelry - costume only of course
25. Sweet and salty
26. Watching a movie, then staying up all night to discuss it.
27. Ripe mango slices while reading the paper on a Sunday
28. Remembering things together - couple hood.
29. Old cemeteries -- lovely, dark, and peaceful.
30. Twisty tree branches
31. Pieces of furniture with numerous drawers
32. Round, unusual handwriting
33. Bacon that's crispy in parts, chewy in others
34. Cheap or even fake chocolate
35. Colonial villages where you can get lost in another time
36. Travel
37. Eating in restaurants -- SO MANY CHOICES! And you can have ANY of them!
38. Eating in restaurants -- captive audience for conversation
39. Coffehouses - lattes and tortes.
40. Art museums
41. Art museum patrons -- great fashion ideas in their self-consciously selected and artfully placed accessories and outfits.
42. Perfect days
43. Walking endlessly downtown -- looking at the harbor, stopping for lunch, having a coffee, shopping, etc.
44. Resale shops -- treasures for a song, and worn-in things with character
45. Smell of beer brewing
46. Remembering climbing the corn in the corncrib at Brandy's grandmother's house in completely inappropriate outfits.
47. Red shoes, mary jane shoes, especially red mary jane shoes
48. Marching bands
49. Visiting historical sites
50. Winged people - fairies, angels, cherubs...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Paula Deen Notes
I object to it being said that she "MADE" people sick. She did not. First of all, chefs have been selling butter-and-lard laden recipe books since the dawn of time. Second, all of the scientific research into obesity that has NOT been conducted by someone trying to sell you something related to it (i.e. obesity drugs, surgical devices, etc.) has shown that people's bodies are very individual things, and that what might make one person obese will just cause another to gain 10lbs...and stay there. Furthermore, her choices about her body and career are just that...HER choices. Women have just as much right to eat whole sticks of butter and then decide they no longer wish to eat whole sticks of butter as they do to select birth control options and terminate pregnancies: the rules of bodily autonomy do not apply only to things we find aesthetically pleasing.
Ron, it's not like that at all. Cigarettes are unsafe and addictive, there is no "safe" number of cigarettes you can smoke--they are all harmful. Food, on the other hand, is something your body needs for fuel. I don't remember (but I'm not a PD follower, so maybe I just don't know about it?) Paula Deen saying that people should eat her fatty recipes to the exclusion of healthy ones--she just offers them up. It's up to us individually to select what foods we want for our own lifestyles. If someone wants to eat all Paula Deen recipes, all the time, go for it. But I don't think she's ever suggested such a thing.
Also, I get it. The fat southern lady with the funny accent who makes the white trash food has the diabetes. It's funny! Only it's not; it's not any funnier than if Gordon Ramsay's beef Wellingtons eventually led to HIM having type 2 diabetes. High-falutin' dishes are JUST as high in fat and calories as lowly gooey butter cakes.
t is "morally wrong" for her to act as a spokesperson for a drug she is taking to help control her disease? *Blink blink*. Whether or not she is able to lose the weight, this drug has been associated with a higher success rate of weight loss and diabetes control. She has every right to use it, and further to leverage her fame into spokesperson money. I think most anyone would do that, if given the opportunity. I mean, I'll gladly act as a spokesperson for my birth control or vitamins, any time they ask. Look, you can like her, you can hate her, you can like or hate her food and recipes. But her weight is not a moral issue, and it is not a moral failing. Food and weight are NOT moral issues--if all of America could just swallow that, we would probably have a lot less of the disordered eating that can lead to both obesity and anorexia/bulimia.
@Kemper -- I actually just happened to remember it from previous work I performed, but here is a link that discusses patient satisfaction, A1c control, and weight loss all being higher with Victoza than similar drugs. http://www.worldpharmanews.com/novonordisk/1391-patient-satisfaction-is-significantly-higher-with-injectable-victozar
And actually, for many patients, a drug IS necessary to control the disease. For some, eventually dietary and lifestyle changes are enough to keep it in check, but that is not true for everyone. Diet and exercise are NOT the "first remedy" for everyone--that all depends on quite a few chemical factors. The thing is, everyone is so hot to be all, "Oh, Paula Deen has type 2 diabetes?! Hardy har, OBVIOUSLY!", but it's not "obvious". We don't actually know what causes type 2 diabetes. While weight and diet are clearly correlating factors, they aren't the cause--or everyone who is overweight/obese or eats a poor diet would have type 2 diabetes. They don't.
And I totally agree that she IS a brand--I think that's probably why we're not hearing about all of this till now--her brand isn't exactly built on health food preparation. But I don't think she owed us a report of her diagnoses, whatever they may be--celeb or no, she gets to keep her medical history under wraps.
Look, I am not a Paula Deen fan. I don't believe that mayonnaise should get its own brick on the food pyramid. But I really object to her being painted as though she has been selling us poison and now is shilling antidote. She didn't. She provided recipes. We could choose to make a dish each day, eat nothing but a spoonful of it, and throw the rest out; thereby slowly starving ourselves. Or we could choose to make 5 of her dishes every day and scarf them all while sitting on a pile of dead puppies. It's in our hands.
Ron, it's not like that at all. Cigarettes are unsafe and addictive, there is no "safe" number of cigarettes you can smoke--they are all harmful. Food, on the other hand, is something your body needs for fuel. I don't remember (but I'm not a PD follower, so maybe I just don't know about it?) Paula Deen saying that people should eat her fatty recipes to the exclusion of healthy ones--she just offers them up. It's up to us individually to select what foods we want for our own lifestyles. If someone wants to eat all Paula Deen recipes, all the time, go for it. But I don't think she's ever suggested such a thing.
Also, I get it. The fat southern lady with the funny accent who makes the white trash food has the diabetes. It's funny! Only it's not; it's not any funnier than if Gordon Ramsay's beef Wellingtons eventually led to HIM having type 2 diabetes. High-falutin' dishes are JUST as high in fat and calories as lowly gooey butter cakes.
t is "morally wrong" for her to act as a spokesperson for a drug she is taking to help control her disease? *Blink blink*. Whether or not she is able to lose the weight, this drug has been associated with a higher success rate of weight loss and diabetes control. She has every right to use it, and further to leverage her fame into spokesperson money. I think most anyone would do that, if given the opportunity. I mean, I'll gladly act as a spokesperson for my birth control or vitamins, any time they ask. Look, you can like her, you can hate her, you can like or hate her food and recipes. But her weight is not a moral issue, and it is not a moral failing. Food and weight are NOT moral issues--if all of America could just swallow that, we would probably have a lot less of the disordered eating that can lead to both obesity and anorexia/bulimia.
@Kemper -- I actually just happened to remember it from previous work I performed, but here is a link that discusses patient satisfaction, A1c control, and weight loss all being higher with Victoza than similar drugs. http://www.worldpharmanews.com/novonordisk/1391-patient-satisfaction-is-significantly-higher-with-injectable-victozar
And actually, for many patients, a drug IS necessary to control the disease. For some, eventually dietary and lifestyle changes are enough to keep it in check, but that is not true for everyone. Diet and exercise are NOT the "first remedy" for everyone--that all depends on quite a few chemical factors. The thing is, everyone is so hot to be all, "Oh, Paula Deen has type 2 diabetes?! Hardy har, OBVIOUSLY!", but it's not "obvious". We don't actually know what causes type 2 diabetes. While weight and diet are clearly correlating factors, they aren't the cause--or everyone who is overweight/obese or eats a poor diet would have type 2 diabetes. They don't.
And I totally agree that she IS a brand--I think that's probably why we're not hearing about all of this till now--her brand isn't exactly built on health food preparation. But I don't think she owed us a report of her diagnoses, whatever they may be--celeb or no, she gets to keep her medical history under wraps.
Look, I am not a Paula Deen fan. I don't believe that mayonnaise should get its own brick on the food pyramid. But I really object to her being painted as though she has been selling us poison and now is shilling antidote. She didn't. She provided recipes. We could choose to make a dish each day, eat nothing but a spoonful of it, and throw the rest out; thereby slowly starving ourselves. Or we could choose to make 5 of her dishes every day and scarf them all while sitting on a pile of dead puppies. It's in our hands.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Week 1 Exercises
If I'm going to make a go of this thing, I have to do it. So here we go.
Time Travel - List 3 Old Enemies of Your Creative Self-Worth
1. Many a teacher I had during my catholic school years, with the librarian, Sister Francis Miriam, leading the way in General Horridness.
2. Mean classmates I had during the same years; classmates who did all they could to make me feel awful and worthless. They really were quite successful.
3. Myself. After the influence of both of the above, I think I became my own worst enemy. Constantly questioning my ability, myself; constantly telling myself how untalented and unworthy I am. Bad stuff.
Time Travel: Select and Write Out One Story From Your Monster Hall of Fame
In keeping with #1, above, I'm going to recount one particularly terrible story about Sister Francis Miriam, the meanest librarian ever known. I was an advanced reader from a fairly young age, and I tended to favor books that would have been far beyond most of my classmates. For the most part (although, honestly, not always), I understood them. Sometimes, I didn't entirely "get" them or didn't pick up the double entendre, but hell, that could be said about many people. Anyway, I no longer remember how old I was at the time, but I remember that I wanted to check out a series of 2 books, one of them "The Hobbit" and one of them a book I had already read previously (I think it was "Cougar", but I can't swear to it). She flatly refused to let me get either book, and probably said something nasty. I was humiliated and flustered, and ended up selecting a book about dog care called "A Puppy For You" (I was a bit obsessed with animals and pets!) Well, when she checked it out, she laughed out loud at me and announced to my class in a snide, mocking voice, "Hahaha, would you look at that? I told Amanda she couldn't check out XYZ and look what she chose instead. 'A Puppy For You'. HAHAHAHA!" I remember the way the hard wooden chair felt pressed against my thighs, I remember cutting my eyes furiously at her, sending her daggers of hatred. But mostly I remember how humiliated I was, how much I just plain didn't want to be there, didn't want to ever draw attention to myself by trying to be smart again. God, what a bitch she was. Why was it necessary to be so cruel and hateful?
Write a letter to the editor in your defense
Dear Editor,
Sister Francis Miriam shouldn't have been so mean to Amanda. She only wanted to check out a book to read so she could have a way to escape her miserable life, and Sister was mean and nasty. Amanda should be able to check out whatever book she wants from the school library -- we only go from grades K - 8, so there really isn't much danger of her reading something "inappropriate" for her. We're all close to the same age, and if she can understand those thick books I think she should be able to read them. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with reading a book that is not particularly challenging. We all need to relax and enjoy ourselves; everything shouldn't be a chore.
I also am made to understand that it was Sister Francis Miriam who once said to Amanda (who was bored in a class that she was probably too smart for and doodling on her notebook), "A doodle is a sign of a weak mind." Obviously, that's a completely untrue statement. I have a feeling that brilliant people have been doodling to help themselves work things out, keep their minds occupied, and just plain for fun since time began. Probably, doodling is actually a sign of a strong mind.
Sister Francis Miriam really is a bitch, sir. Let's keep her away from poor sweet Amanda.
Yours Truly,
Fake Me
Ok, that's enough for tonight.
Time Travel - List 3 Old Enemies of Your Creative Self-Worth
1. Many a teacher I had during my catholic school years, with the librarian, Sister Francis Miriam, leading the way in General Horridness.
2. Mean classmates I had during the same years; classmates who did all they could to make me feel awful and worthless. They really were quite successful.
3. Myself. After the influence of both of the above, I think I became my own worst enemy. Constantly questioning my ability, myself; constantly telling myself how untalented and unworthy I am. Bad stuff.
Time Travel: Select and Write Out One Story From Your Monster Hall of Fame
In keeping with #1, above, I'm going to recount one particularly terrible story about Sister Francis Miriam, the meanest librarian ever known. I was an advanced reader from a fairly young age, and I tended to favor books that would have been far beyond most of my classmates. For the most part (although, honestly, not always), I understood them. Sometimes, I didn't entirely "get" them or didn't pick up the double entendre, but hell, that could be said about many people. Anyway, I no longer remember how old I was at the time, but I remember that I wanted to check out a series of 2 books, one of them "The Hobbit" and one of them a book I had already read previously (I think it was "Cougar", but I can't swear to it). She flatly refused to let me get either book, and probably said something nasty. I was humiliated and flustered, and ended up selecting a book about dog care called "A Puppy For You" (I was a bit obsessed with animals and pets!) Well, when she checked it out, she laughed out loud at me and announced to my class in a snide, mocking voice, "Hahaha, would you look at that? I told Amanda she couldn't check out XYZ and look what she chose instead. 'A Puppy For You'. HAHAHAHA!" I remember the way the hard wooden chair felt pressed against my thighs, I remember cutting my eyes furiously at her, sending her daggers of hatred. But mostly I remember how humiliated I was, how much I just plain didn't want to be there, didn't want to ever draw attention to myself by trying to be smart again. God, what a bitch she was. Why was it necessary to be so cruel and hateful?
Write a letter to the editor in your defense
Dear Editor,
Sister Francis Miriam shouldn't have been so mean to Amanda. She only wanted to check out a book to read so she could have a way to escape her miserable life, and Sister was mean and nasty. Amanda should be able to check out whatever book she wants from the school library -- we only go from grades K - 8, so there really isn't much danger of her reading something "inappropriate" for her. We're all close to the same age, and if she can understand those thick books I think she should be able to read them. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with reading a book that is not particularly challenging. We all need to relax and enjoy ourselves; everything shouldn't be a chore.
I also am made to understand that it was Sister Francis Miriam who once said to Amanda (who was bored in a class that she was probably too smart for and doodling on her notebook), "A doodle is a sign of a weak mind." Obviously, that's a completely untrue statement. I have a feeling that brilliant people have been doodling to help themselves work things out, keep their minds occupied, and just plain for fun since time began. Probably, doodling is actually a sign of a strong mind.
Sister Francis Miriam really is a bitch, sir. Let's keep her away from poor sweet Amanda.
Yours Truly,
Fake Me
Ok, that's enough for tonight.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
It used to be, long ago, that if only the guy I was living with could get a part-time job as a sandwich artist at Subway, we'd have enough money to pay the rent. If only. (He didn't, by the way. And we didn't. And we got kicked out.)
Then, it was if only the same guy could sell a car. Just SELL a car already. Then we can make rent. Then you can stop going to work day after day and not getting paid. Then we can keep this apartment. (He didn't, we didn't, we got kicked out. Again. Eventually I got rid of him.)
I got myself together and went back to school, and then if only I could get a job in the computer lab, I'd have enough pocket money to go out and get a beer. If I could get a part-time job waiting tables, I'd maybe be able to buy some cheese sticks, too. (I did, I did, I did, I did.)
Then I moved off-campus, and the money at the first restaurant dried up. If only I could get a job at the suburban high-dollar chain, I could make rent and not have to cash the patronizing $100 check my then-boyfriend had left for me "to buy books" before he dropped out of college and moved back to the east coast. I did, and there was plenty of money. Enough for rent and clothes and all the fun I wanted.
I left the job waiting tables when I moved for grad school. I was a grad assistant, but we got paid only so often, and the student loan money didn't go very far in pricey Boston. I paid almost as much for my share of the rent as our 3-bedroom apartment in Cleveland had cost. I hung on for awhile, but it became too much to manage. I needed another job. If only I could get a job temping, that would fill the gaps and pay the rent and maybe even buy actual food. I did, and it did.
I graduated, I was living with someone again. If only I could get an actual job in my field and quit the temping gig, I would be able to afford my student loan payments and a reasonable share of the rent. (He would probably still have to pay when we went out to eat, though.) I finally did, and it did, and I even bought a car.
Then we bought a house and were getting married and I was starting a new job and I got pregnant. And I lost the new job. But it was Ok, I would get another job after the wedding/after the baby was born/after the baby got to be 6/9/12 months old/maybe never. But I missed working. If only I could get the job working part-time for the health startup, it would contribute financially and give me something to keep my finger on the pulse of the working world. And I did and it did, till it eventually completely changed directions and eliminated almost all of its staff, me included.
And my husband stretched his wings and went for another job, it was a shaky proposition but it paid about $10k more than his previous job, so he went for it. And it was awful but he hung in there, and eventually they ran out of money and he was looking for a job. And I wasn't working and he wasn't working and it was scary, but only a little because the recruiters circled like vultures. If only he could get a job making another $15k a year, we would be so much better off. If only. And he did, and another $20k on top of that besides.
We sold our house and we bought another house and I was pregnant again and we had another baby. And now I couldn't go back to work, because the economy is awful and jobs in my field(s) don't pay enough to keep the kids in daycare. So I'm home and I'm freelancing when I can find the time and I'm setting a goal: If only I can make xyz (almost as much as my first full-time gig out of grad school), it would really help out. And it's totally doable, if a wee bit lofty. Things are tight, sometimes. My husband works to increase his income by another $20k. Or more. We call it a "struggle", and by the end of the month we're not going out to eat any more and I'm pulling food out of the freezer instead of buying fresh stuff at Whole Foods. We wish we could buy a new car and renovate the kitchen.
I wrote all of this because sometimes, I think it is easy to get caught up in the rhythm of the struggle, to say to yourself "I am someone who has had to struggle for everything I've gotten.". And that may be true--we all struggle. But sometimes if you're busy looking at the struggle, you miss the progress you've made along the way. And you might mistake yourself for a scared 19-year-old who just wishes her loser boyfriend could get hired at a fast-food joint so she'll still have a place to live, when really you're nothing like that person any more, not at all.
Then, it was if only the same guy could sell a car. Just SELL a car already. Then we can make rent. Then you can stop going to work day after day and not getting paid. Then we can keep this apartment. (He didn't, we didn't, we got kicked out. Again. Eventually I got rid of him.)
I got myself together and went back to school, and then if only I could get a job in the computer lab, I'd have enough pocket money to go out and get a beer. If I could get a part-time job waiting tables, I'd maybe be able to buy some cheese sticks, too. (I did, I did, I did, I did.)
Then I moved off-campus, and the money at the first restaurant dried up. If only I could get a job at the suburban high-dollar chain, I could make rent and not have to cash the patronizing $100 check my then-boyfriend had left for me "to buy books" before he dropped out of college and moved back to the east coast. I did, and there was plenty of money. Enough for rent and clothes and all the fun I wanted.
I left the job waiting tables when I moved for grad school. I was a grad assistant, but we got paid only so often, and the student loan money didn't go very far in pricey Boston. I paid almost as much for my share of the rent as our 3-bedroom apartment in Cleveland had cost. I hung on for awhile, but it became too much to manage. I needed another job. If only I could get a job temping, that would fill the gaps and pay the rent and maybe even buy actual food. I did, and it did.
I graduated, I was living with someone again. If only I could get an actual job in my field and quit the temping gig, I would be able to afford my student loan payments and a reasonable share of the rent. (He would probably still have to pay when we went out to eat, though.) I finally did, and it did, and I even bought a car.
Then we bought a house and were getting married and I was starting a new job and I got pregnant. And I lost the new job. But it was Ok, I would get another job after the wedding/after the baby was born/after the baby got to be 6/9/12 months old/maybe never. But I missed working. If only I could get the job working part-time for the health startup, it would contribute financially and give me something to keep my finger on the pulse of the working world. And I did and it did, till it eventually completely changed directions and eliminated almost all of its staff, me included.
And my husband stretched his wings and went for another job, it was a shaky proposition but it paid about $10k more than his previous job, so he went for it. And it was awful but he hung in there, and eventually they ran out of money and he was looking for a job. And I wasn't working and he wasn't working and it was scary, but only a little because the recruiters circled like vultures. If only he could get a job making another $15k a year, we would be so much better off. If only. And he did, and another $20k on top of that besides.
We sold our house and we bought another house and I was pregnant again and we had another baby. And now I couldn't go back to work, because the economy is awful and jobs in my field(s) don't pay enough to keep the kids in daycare. So I'm home and I'm freelancing when I can find the time and I'm setting a goal: If only I can make xyz (almost as much as my first full-time gig out of grad school), it would really help out. And it's totally doable, if a wee bit lofty. Things are tight, sometimes. My husband works to increase his income by another $20k. Or more. We call it a "struggle", and by the end of the month we're not going out to eat any more and I'm pulling food out of the freezer instead of buying fresh stuff at Whole Foods. We wish we could buy a new car and renovate the kitchen.
I wrote all of this because sometimes, I think it is easy to get caught up in the rhythm of the struggle, to say to yourself "I am someone who has had to struggle for everything I've gotten.". And that may be true--we all struggle. But sometimes if you're busy looking at the struggle, you miss the progress you've made along the way. And you might mistake yourself for a scared 19-year-old who just wishes her loser boyfriend could get hired at a fast-food joint so she'll still have a place to live, when really you're nothing like that person any more, not at all.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Semantics
It's been forever, she says.
Forever.
It can't have been forever, I protest. Forever is used too lightly. Too conversationally.
Forever.
What is forever to someone like you, I think and do not say.
Is forever as long as it takes for a bad haircut to grow out
Like that time you got fed up and lopped off your bangs
Hunched over our dorm sink, OfficeMax shears in hand
Laughing with your teeth
It grew back, though, that's the thing.
Is forever as long as it takes to learn all the bones in human anatomy
Distal phalanges, intermediate phalanges, proximal phalanges, metacarpels, carpels,
Scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate
I could never think of a mnemonic device to remember all of them
And those are just the ones in the hand and wrist.
Is forever as long as it takes to find the perfect lo mein
Trying the Chinas Pearl, Harbor, Inn, Taste, and Palace
Before moving to the Dragons of the same.
None were right, you said.
So I kept driving
And we kept ordering lo mein.
Those things all took time. Not as much time as it's been.
Not quite "forever".
Forever is longer.
It stretches, swells, takes up more space than you planned to allot it.
In the span of "forever" you can love a person so much that it makes you feel like a wrung-out washcloth
Or maybe a crushed soda can
Or one of those vacuum-sealed storage bags they advertise late at night
And then hate them ferociously
In a way that scorches your insides
And fills instead of empties you.
But forever is long enough for you to empty again
Day by day
Drop by drop
Until you feel neither love nor hate
Just a slightly foggy haze of regret
When your emotions' object plants herself in your path and says, "It's been forever".
Yes, I agree. It has.
It's been forever.
Forever.
It can't have been forever, I protest. Forever is used too lightly. Too conversationally.
Forever.
What is forever to someone like you, I think and do not say.
Is forever as long as it takes for a bad haircut to grow out
Like that time you got fed up and lopped off your bangs
Hunched over our dorm sink, OfficeMax shears in hand
Laughing with your teeth
It grew back, though, that's the thing.
Is forever as long as it takes to learn all the bones in human anatomy
Distal phalanges, intermediate phalanges, proximal phalanges, metacarpels, carpels,
Scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate
I could never think of a mnemonic device to remember all of them
And those are just the ones in the hand and wrist.
Is forever as long as it takes to find the perfect lo mein
Trying the Chinas Pearl, Harbor, Inn, Taste, and Palace
Before moving to the Dragons of the same.
None were right, you said.
So I kept driving
And we kept ordering lo mein.
Those things all took time. Not as much time as it's been.
Not quite "forever".
Forever is longer.
It stretches, swells, takes up more space than you planned to allot it.
In the span of "forever" you can love a person so much that it makes you feel like a wrung-out washcloth
Or maybe a crushed soda can
Or one of those vacuum-sealed storage bags they advertise late at night
And then hate them ferociously
In a way that scorches your insides
And fills instead of empties you.
But forever is long enough for you to empty again
Day by day
Drop by drop
Until you feel neither love nor hate
Just a slightly foggy haze of regret
When your emotions' object plants herself in your path and says, "It's been forever".
Yes, I agree. It has.
It's been forever.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Dog
The Dog had been lying quietly on the floor for some time when He returned home. She woke with a start and clambered ungracefully to her feet, sending tumbleweeds of dust scattering across the weathered hardwoods. Her nails, longer than they should have been but not quite meeting the criteria for 'neglect', tap-tapped on the floor as she stretched like a yogi, first front legs then rear, and walked the few steps to the front door. His keys jangled and fumbled in the lock, he would be inside with her soon. She bent her legs as if to sit, but squatted instead, kept the weight in her paws so she could easily jump up to greet him when he crossed the threshold. Her tail beats a brisk staccato on the hallway floor.
The door swings inward with a creak, striking her sharply in the chest. The Dog leaps back, a bit surprised by the pain, but her tail doesn't stop wagging. His voice bursts forth, first her name loud and frustrated, then trailing off into other words she doesn't recognize and finally her name again, soft and apologetic this time. His hand thumps her ribcage, a dull hollow sound. She wriggles with pleasure.
Then the thunking of the bag he takes with him when he left the house each day, his body leaning over to drop it gently at the foot of the curving staircase, the weight of all he carried collapsing to the floor. The sound of his voice again, calling to Her, loud enough to close the distance from the door to the kitchen where She's making the clinking sounds that usually mean cooking and food and dinner. No food smells now, just a dry musty newspaper smell, and more clattering. She answers him, faintly, her voice sounding strained, as if she's trying to swallow something dense and unyielding. He presses his hand against his forehead, mashes his fingers into his eye sockets. The Dog watches, thumps her tail hopefully against the floor. He heaves a great breath, his chest expanding till the buttons threaten to pop from his shirt. His hands fall back to his sides, and he begins walking towards the kitchen, the sound of the old hardwoods creaking as he goes. The Dog gets up and follows him.
The door swings inward with a creak, striking her sharply in the chest. The Dog leaps back, a bit surprised by the pain, but her tail doesn't stop wagging. His voice bursts forth, first her name loud and frustrated, then trailing off into other words she doesn't recognize and finally her name again, soft and apologetic this time. His hand thumps her ribcage, a dull hollow sound. She wriggles with pleasure.
Then the thunking of the bag he takes with him when he left the house each day, his body leaning over to drop it gently at the foot of the curving staircase, the weight of all he carried collapsing to the floor. The sound of his voice again, calling to Her, loud enough to close the distance from the door to the kitchen where She's making the clinking sounds that usually mean cooking and food and dinner. No food smells now, just a dry musty newspaper smell, and more clattering. She answers him, faintly, her voice sounding strained, as if she's trying to swallow something dense and unyielding. He presses his hand against his forehead, mashes his fingers into his eye sockets. The Dog watches, thumps her tail hopefully against the floor. He heaves a great breath, his chest expanding till the buttons threaten to pop from his shirt. His hands fall back to his sides, and he begins walking towards the kitchen, the sound of the old hardwoods creaking as he goes. The Dog gets up and follows him.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
carry me ohio
One of those songs I want to wrap around me like a blanket, stand alone on a mountain in the cold with eyes closed, let myself feel warmed by it.
I don't want to know the lyrics, because they couldn't possibly make it better, might make it worse, might do something to take away from Mark Kozelek's eerie haunting voice.
If I could write the way he sings, with that soul-piercing, achingly beautiful quality, than I would never need more than that. If I could just unload emotions so poignantly, I would feel always cleansed.
For some reason, it makes me think of dried out corn husks, the quietly broken-down reeds of autumn stacked in fields. The soybeans, dried and brown but soft with fuzz, hanging dully off the plants. Plodding onward, hair scattering around my head. Cold and dry and alone, and I'll always be alone, and I'll never know how to let anyone relieve me of being alone.
Have I yet? Have I figured out how not to push people away, how to stop forcing myself to be alone? Sometimes I catch myself still living in my own log cabin, peering out at other people through the windows I constructed, finding reasons that we can't relate.
I don't want to know the lyrics, because they couldn't possibly make it better, might make it worse, might do something to take away from Mark Kozelek's eerie haunting voice.
If I could write the way he sings, with that soul-piercing, achingly beautiful quality, than I would never need more than that. If I could just unload emotions so poignantly, I would feel always cleansed.
For some reason, it makes me think of dried out corn husks, the quietly broken-down reeds of autumn stacked in fields. The soybeans, dried and brown but soft with fuzz, hanging dully off the plants. Plodding onward, hair scattering around my head. Cold and dry and alone, and I'll always be alone, and I'll never know how to let anyone relieve me of being alone.
Have I yet? Have I figured out how not to push people away, how to stop forcing myself to be alone? Sometimes I catch myself still living in my own log cabin, peering out at other people through the windows I constructed, finding reasons that we can't relate.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Exacizing Doz Chompas - Describe Your Mental Partition
You're supposed to use a "mental partition" to separate yourself from opinions and half-truths that keep you from writing, apparently. I'm supposed to describe mine here. This seemed silly to me at first, so imagine my surprise when one appeared almost immediately in my mind.
My partition is tall, but not too tall. Maybe not tall enough to protect me? It's made of looping vines, roses and ivy, climbing high and thick up a verdigris trellis. Pink cabbage roses bloom here and there. Thorns jab out everywhere, threatening to prick the fingers of anyone who dares to scale my partition. It's lovely, but sinister at the same time, sort of like the thorn thickets that surrounded Sleeping Beauty in the classic Disney film.
Surrounding myself with this partition feels strangely stifling. You would think I'd feel protected, since it's supposed to be keeping out the festering negativity that keeps me from writing. But no, instead I feel trapped. Maybe I need to make my space bigger. Can I see enough of the world to accurately describe it? Am I limiting myself? No, I'm just keeping out the negativity--why would that feel stifling?
For the next part of the exercise, I'm supposed to write about what I'll tell myself when the negativity seeps in and threatens to bring my writing to a grinding halt. What will I tell myself?
Barbara DeMarco-Barrett (that's the author, maybe I'll remember her name now!) suggests her own line/mantra: Someone has to make it, why not me? Yeah, it sounds a little Al Franken, but isn't he a Congressman now anyway?
Someone has to make it. And why shouldn't it be me? I'm witty, intelligent, insightful. I can dig up a compliment here and there that reminds me of my good (and relevant) qualities...I need to remind myself of them. Yes, sometimes I give people pause. No one is saying that I rock, hard. But remember, I'm untrained. I've never taken a professional or college-level writing course. Get me some training, get me some experience, and I'll rock your freaking socks off. If I'm this good NOW (and by that, I mean good enough that my work gleans compliments, etc.) think of how good I'll be once I've got some experience under my belt.
And one day, when I've made it, i can tell those stories of the lonely little girl who lived in the middle of nowhere and entertained herself by making up stories in her head as she walked back and forth in the yard, or bounced the ball in the solarium, or played Zim-Zam (remember Zim-Zam?). See--it's just pathetic enough to be endearing. Right?
Nothing worth doing is easy, that's what I tell my friends. I roll my eyes at people's inability to see the truths behind their actions. But it's hard to turn that microscope on myself. I have to remind myself that if I were my friend, I would encourage me to go for it, to stop lollygagging around and get to work, already. I'm not exactly getting ahead in my writing career just sitting here. And I don't want to grow old and always wonder what would have happened if I had ever really tried. There is no shame in trying. And those who don't try, really TRY, rarely succeed. Especially in a cutthroat business like this.
So I'll tell myself to heave a great breath, suck in my stomach, and push past the negativity. I don't like it here in the negative quicksand patch, so I'm getting the eff out. I'm going to rise above those nasty, negative voices. I'm going to succeed and flaunt my success for them, instead. Nothing worth doing is easy, right? And someone has to make it. There are thousands of freelance writers who are making a living as such, many of which aren't as witty or insightful as I. So, as Al Franken would say, why not me? Why not make a go of it?
My partition is tall, but not too tall. Maybe not tall enough to protect me? It's made of looping vines, roses and ivy, climbing high and thick up a verdigris trellis. Pink cabbage roses bloom here and there. Thorns jab out everywhere, threatening to prick the fingers of anyone who dares to scale my partition. It's lovely, but sinister at the same time, sort of like the thorn thickets that surrounded Sleeping Beauty in the classic Disney film.
Surrounding myself with this partition feels strangely stifling. You would think I'd feel protected, since it's supposed to be keeping out the festering negativity that keeps me from writing. But no, instead I feel trapped. Maybe I need to make my space bigger. Can I see enough of the world to accurately describe it? Am I limiting myself? No, I'm just keeping out the negativity--why would that feel stifling?
For the next part of the exercise, I'm supposed to write about what I'll tell myself when the negativity seeps in and threatens to bring my writing to a grinding halt. What will I tell myself?
Barbara DeMarco-Barrett (that's the author, maybe I'll remember her name now!) suggests her own line/mantra: Someone has to make it, why not me? Yeah, it sounds a little Al Franken, but isn't he a Congressman now anyway?
Someone has to make it. And why shouldn't it be me? I'm witty, intelligent, insightful. I can dig up a compliment here and there that reminds me of my good (and relevant) qualities...I need to remind myself of them. Yes, sometimes I give people pause. No one is saying that I rock, hard. But remember, I'm untrained. I've never taken a professional or college-level writing course. Get me some training, get me some experience, and I'll rock your freaking socks off. If I'm this good NOW (and by that, I mean good enough that my work gleans compliments, etc.) think of how good I'll be once I've got some experience under my belt.
And one day, when I've made it, i can tell those stories of the lonely little girl who lived in the middle of nowhere and entertained herself by making up stories in her head as she walked back and forth in the yard, or bounced the ball in the solarium, or played Zim-Zam (remember Zim-Zam?). See--it's just pathetic enough to be endearing. Right?
Nothing worth doing is easy, that's what I tell my friends. I roll my eyes at people's inability to see the truths behind their actions. But it's hard to turn that microscope on myself. I have to remind myself that if I were my friend, I would encourage me to go for it, to stop lollygagging around and get to work, already. I'm not exactly getting ahead in my writing career just sitting here. And I don't want to grow old and always wonder what would have happened if I had ever really tried. There is no shame in trying. And those who don't try, really TRY, rarely succeed. Especially in a cutthroat business like this.
So I'll tell myself to heave a great breath, suck in my stomach, and push past the negativity. I don't like it here in the negative quicksand patch, so I'm getting the eff out. I'm going to rise above those nasty, negative voices. I'm going to succeed and flaunt my success for them, instead. Nothing worth doing is easy, right? And someone has to make it. There are thousands of freelance writers who are making a living as such, many of which aren't as witty or insightful as I. So, as Al Franken would say, why not me? Why not make a go of it?
Monday, October 6, 2008
EXACIZE Those Chompas, Again
Hey, imaginary friend who wants to write, you should do it. What are you going to do, spend the rest of your life NOT writing? Become one of those bitter little old ladies who live to dash others' hopes and dreams because you never really pursued your own? You say you're not sure you have the chops--well, you owe it to yourself to find out if you have the chops or not. And anyway, if it turns out that you're not as great as you had hoped, that doesn't mean that you can't still work to improve. Maybe this is something that you have to work harder at that anything else you've done if you want to make it a reality, you know? Maybe you give it a shot and find out you need some brushing-up. Maybe you take a few classes at a community college, or through a center for adult education. But improving just increases your chances of success, right?
Don't fret about not "being there" for your family. In the first place, you shouldn't be so damn irreplaceable that your occasional absence sends them into fits of confusion. That's just unhealthy and a sign that you should have been doing this all along. It might be a struggle at first, honestly. But they'll learn how to function without you. That doesn't mean that you aren't integral or that they don't love you--it means you are doing your JOB of teaching your kids (and husband, who is really a sort of kid as well) to be independent of you. In the second place, you owe it to your family to be happy, and fulfilled, and a bon vivant. Will writing help you to get there? Or would you be better off waiting tables for some easy cash? Yeah, that's what I thought. Be fulfilled, be more interesting, have something else to talk to your husband about over dinner. And so what if "dinner" is sometimes KFC takeout or hot dog fajitas? It's worth it in the end. You can't allow yourself to become solely responsible for your family, anyway.
You say you worry that you don't have anything to say. I totally understand that worry--it's a very normal and human worry. That's the worry of someone as her hand is hovering next to the door knocker, afraid to attend the cocktail party. Hey, you might NOT have enough to say, at least at first. But you have SOMETHING to say. Say it, at least for practice. Try and find your voice and maybe you'll find you have one, after all. And don't be so shy--chances are that what's important to you is also important to other people, too. Every single thing you write doesn't have to be worthy of the New Yorker--let's just start out with being relevant to SOMEONE, anyone. There are plenty of writers who never see their bylines in the Atlantic or the New Yorker who are still very successful, very relevant. Just because you're not one of the big dogs doesn't mean you can't still bark.
I know you don't know where to start, and that the first steps seem really intimidating. That's because they are. It's ok to feel intimidated. Hey, give yourself a day. Feel intimidated. Curl up in the fetal position if that's what you want. Then, get over it. Get up and get cracking. People who spend their days in the fetal position rarely become rousing successes...unless of course they are actual fetuses. Maybe start by taking a workshop, or a class. Does that help you feel inspired? If that feels like too much, hit your local library and you're sure to find a ton of books on writing to help you get started. But the most important thing is that you GET STARTED. You can do it. I believe in you.
Now, write to yourself.
Hi, self. So, self, you want to be a writer. You are even starting to let on to a select group of people that maybe, just maybe, you want to be a writer. You've been writing for half of forever, and you've had some admirers along the way. But guess what? You can't pay the bills on "you have such wit!". You aren't going to be remembered for "you should write professionally". If you want those things, you have to work for them. And probably, work hard for them.
You're so lazy with your dreams, self. You gaze indolently at them from a safe distance, promising you'll get to them later. But now you're 33, and they're not any closer. Your old approach clearly isn't doing the trick. It's time to step things up--it's time to be the person you know you can be, but don't make the effort to be.
Signing up for the workshop was a first step. But now you need more steps--you need to sign up for more IN PERSON local workshops. You need to call more mags and get samples, spend more of your valuable time researching and getting ready for querying. You can do it, you know you can.
You have to stop treating this 'ramp-up' as an annoying barrier between you and success. Maybe it is, but you must take it seriously and scale it fully if you want to BE successful. Everyone would love to breeze past the hardest part, you know?
You ARE worthy. You DO have something to say. When you start to talk, people listen. But you have to have the chutzpah to start speaking up in the first place.
Now, let's talk goals. You and I both know that if you had your druthers, you'd be pounding out a piece for Cookie or WonderTime or Family Circle right now. And it would sort of rock, obviously. And you'd stack up those clips and bylines and parlay them into that fantastic nonfiction book deal--that Priced Out project, and maybe many others besides. And let's not even pretend that you don't hope that once the writing bug bites you and bites you good again, that you'll be cranking out lovely fictional short stories and even novels. And screenplays? Well, why the heck not? You do it all, don't you, Amanda? You're the brilliant writer with the acerbic tongue and deliciously literary nonfiction, the mom people think of when they think of someone who found a way to fit her career in with her homelife. You're the one people can't wait to mention to their friends that they know, and say that they remember when she was just starting out as a writer and didn't know what to do or how to do it. Your success feeds them all, you know.
Don't fret about not "being there" for your family. In the first place, you shouldn't be so damn irreplaceable that your occasional absence sends them into fits of confusion. That's just unhealthy and a sign that you should have been doing this all along. It might be a struggle at first, honestly. But they'll learn how to function without you. That doesn't mean that you aren't integral or that they don't love you--it means you are doing your JOB of teaching your kids (and husband, who is really a sort of kid as well) to be independent of you. In the second place, you owe it to your family to be happy, and fulfilled, and a bon vivant. Will writing help you to get there? Or would you be better off waiting tables for some easy cash? Yeah, that's what I thought. Be fulfilled, be more interesting, have something else to talk to your husband about over dinner. And so what if "dinner" is sometimes KFC takeout or hot dog fajitas? It's worth it in the end. You can't allow yourself to become solely responsible for your family, anyway.
You say you worry that you don't have anything to say. I totally understand that worry--it's a very normal and human worry. That's the worry of someone as her hand is hovering next to the door knocker, afraid to attend the cocktail party. Hey, you might NOT have enough to say, at least at first. But you have SOMETHING to say. Say it, at least for practice. Try and find your voice and maybe you'll find you have one, after all. And don't be so shy--chances are that what's important to you is also important to other people, too. Every single thing you write doesn't have to be worthy of the New Yorker--let's just start out with being relevant to SOMEONE, anyone. There are plenty of writers who never see their bylines in the Atlantic or the New Yorker who are still very successful, very relevant. Just because you're not one of the big dogs doesn't mean you can't still bark.
I know you don't know where to start, and that the first steps seem really intimidating. That's because they are. It's ok to feel intimidated. Hey, give yourself a day. Feel intimidated. Curl up in the fetal position if that's what you want. Then, get over it. Get up and get cracking. People who spend their days in the fetal position rarely become rousing successes...unless of course they are actual fetuses. Maybe start by taking a workshop, or a class. Does that help you feel inspired? If that feels like too much, hit your local library and you're sure to find a ton of books on writing to help you get started. But the most important thing is that you GET STARTED. You can do it. I believe in you.
Now, write to yourself.
Hi, self. So, self, you want to be a writer. You are even starting to let on to a select group of people that maybe, just maybe, you want to be a writer. You've been writing for half of forever, and you've had some admirers along the way. But guess what? You can't pay the bills on "you have such wit!". You aren't going to be remembered for "you should write professionally". If you want those things, you have to work for them. And probably, work hard for them.
You're so lazy with your dreams, self. You gaze indolently at them from a safe distance, promising you'll get to them later. But now you're 33, and they're not any closer. Your old approach clearly isn't doing the trick. It's time to step things up--it's time to be the person you know you can be, but don't make the effort to be.
Signing up for the workshop was a first step. But now you need more steps--you need to sign up for more IN PERSON local workshops. You need to call more mags and get samples, spend more of your valuable time researching and getting ready for querying. You can do it, you know you can.
You have to stop treating this 'ramp-up' as an annoying barrier between you and success. Maybe it is, but you must take it seriously and scale it fully if you want to BE successful. Everyone would love to breeze past the hardest part, you know?
You ARE worthy. You DO have something to say. When you start to talk, people listen. But you have to have the chutzpah to start speaking up in the first place.
Now, let's talk goals. You and I both know that if you had your druthers, you'd be pounding out a piece for Cookie or WonderTime or Family Circle right now. And it would sort of rock, obviously. And you'd stack up those clips and bylines and parlay them into that fantastic nonfiction book deal--that Priced Out project, and maybe many others besides. And let's not even pretend that you don't hope that once the writing bug bites you and bites you good again, that you'll be cranking out lovely fictional short stories and even novels. And screenplays? Well, why the heck not? You do it all, don't you, Amanda? You're the brilliant writer with the acerbic tongue and deliciously literary nonfiction, the mom people think of when they think of someone who found a way to fit her career in with her homelife. You're the one people can't wait to mention to their friends that they know, and say that they remember when she was just starting out as a writer and didn't know what to do or how to do it. Your success feeds them all, you know.
Autumn is my favorite season. This is what I always say. I love the round orange pumpkins, the crisp air and brilliant blue skies, the leaves just starting to change color. I love sweaters and hats and scarves and not sweating all day long.
That's what I try to remind myself of on days I don't love my life.
Today feels better than some. The screaming toddler in the other room and the realization that I was in for a full day of such behavior made me smile somewhat indulgently, not slam my head against the table and cram my hands over my ears. The same toddler was thrilled to be handed a box of toys he had forgotten he possessed (that cabinet at the front door isn't working quite how I envisioned...). Now he's contentedly watching Elmo discuss 'singing' with his forced puppet seriousness. Singing, it's serious business.
According to the book I started reading last night, before I fell asleep and woke up and fell asleep and woke up, says that I should start writing in small increments. That 15 minutes is "enough time" to get things started, to flesh out ideas so they may later be turned into articles and short stories and works of sheer literary amazement. It also says that you have to get over the thinking that you're not good enough and just write, already. You don't get better by discussing writing, it says.
So here I am, plugging away. Jodi Picoult said that if you write complete crap, you can edit it into something manageable later, but you can't edit a blank page. Well put.
It's getting past the fear of failure for me, again, once more, like usual. Funny how many things in life I've denied myself because I didn't want to admit that they might matter to me. I'm trying to get past that now, but I'm not feeling that inspiration that I was a few weeks back. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the author of the book I'm reading (have to remember her name for crying out loud) would tell me that 'inspiration' is for amateurs and failures, that it's something people who don't have the chops use to help enable their procrastination. Fuck inspiration, she'd say lightly. You can't eat inspiration. Inspiration is a NSF check you'll never cash.
Maybe that should be my new catchphrase--fuck inspiration. Inspiration didn't get me through grad school, or miserable times in my life. It doesn't make friends for me. It doesn't lose 37 pounds. It's like a petulant child demanding attention. And hell, I have one of those already.
Wow, she (the woman who's name I can't be bothered to remember?) was right. I do feel better.
That's what I try to remind myself of on days I don't love my life.
Today feels better than some. The screaming toddler in the other room and the realization that I was in for a full day of such behavior made me smile somewhat indulgently, not slam my head against the table and cram my hands over my ears. The same toddler was thrilled to be handed a box of toys he had forgotten he possessed (that cabinet at the front door isn't working quite how I envisioned...). Now he's contentedly watching Elmo discuss 'singing' with his forced puppet seriousness. Singing, it's serious business.
According to the book I started reading last night, before I fell asleep and woke up and fell asleep and woke up, says that I should start writing in small increments. That 15 minutes is "enough time" to get things started, to flesh out ideas so they may later be turned into articles and short stories and works of sheer literary amazement. It also says that you have to get over the thinking that you're not good enough and just write, already. You don't get better by discussing writing, it says.
So here I am, plugging away. Jodi Picoult said that if you write complete crap, you can edit it into something manageable later, but you can't edit a blank page. Well put.
It's getting past the fear of failure for me, again, once more, like usual. Funny how many things in life I've denied myself because I didn't want to admit that they might matter to me. I'm trying to get past that now, but I'm not feeling that inspiration that I was a few weeks back. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the author of the book I'm reading (have to remember her name for crying out loud) would tell me that 'inspiration' is for amateurs and failures, that it's something people who don't have the chops use to help enable their procrastination. Fuck inspiration, she'd say lightly. You can't eat inspiration. Inspiration is a NSF check you'll never cash.
Maybe that should be my new catchphrase--fuck inspiration. Inspiration didn't get me through grad school, or miserable times in my life. It doesn't make friends for me. It doesn't lose 37 pounds. It's like a petulant child demanding attention. And hell, I have one of those already.
Wow, she (the woman who's name I can't be bothered to remember?) was right. I do feel better.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Journalling is something that writers are supposed to do. I've done it on and off throughout life, but sometimes it still turns my stomach to do it. It's not that it's really too much effort, my fingers dancing across the keyboard faster than fast as I compose in my head, it's not that at all. It's more the danger of the ability to look back later and see where I was, what I was thinking. The smallness, the pathetic-ness of me is more than a trifle humiliating.
I want to be so much more than the pathos that seeps out when I start to compose freely. I think I am, most of the time. Why does journalling inspire me to be so melodramatic?
Started the Medford Family Network's fitness class today. (The one with free childcare?) Such an awkward time to start with, I was dragging myself in. All seemed well at first, Bryce running gaily to grab the BALLS and stack the BLOCKS and roll the TRUCKS. But he decided to be angry, and screeched mercilessly while I was supposed to be stretching my hip flexors and pelvis. It was another mom who got up to see if it was her son, I preferred to lay in partial denial so that I might be able to do a bit more working out, guilt-free. Or at least guilt-less (not to be confused with guiltless).
Of course, it wasn't her son. It was my little screaming demon, loudly professing his agitation with whatever card life was dealing him at the moment. I kept stretching, tears welling in my eyes. I am the terrible mother whose child screams, who feels like she can't move anymore under the weight of the screaming. I am the terrible mother who stifles the urge to smack when he reaches for the knife, who wads my husband's abandoned dress shirts into wrinkled messes and stomps them on the floor instead (which, incidentally, feels very Richard Scarry). I am the mother who this very morning dented her bookshelf by bashing the remote control into it, over and over.
Eileen, the facilitator, assures us all that "they will come get you if more intervention is needed, don't worry". The screams stretch into wails, so thin they might snap. Eileen instructs us to imagine our bellies are balloons, filling with air and relaxing as we inhale, pressing tight against our spines flatly as we exhale. I breathe in and out, focusing on the screams. The screams are my hymns.
We get up to do some push-ups, and the screams seem to have faded. I wonder if Bryce is asleep and hope not, or he might not nap later. I am a terrible mother for wanting him to nap more than I want him to be content, right? Terrible. My wrists ache terribly from the strain, and Eileen suggests I use my fists instead. I twist my engagement ring around so it digs into the fleshy part of my palm instead of the gymnasium wall. I don't hear screaming.
As we're finishing our push-ups, I can hear the goodbye song being sung next door. It's a familiar tune, the one we sing at Isis. I hope it puts Bryce in a better mood. The facilitator reminds us to do our balloon abdominal exercises and push-ups as "homework" for next week. The children begin to flow in, gleefully calling "Mama!" and bounding to their mommy's arms. Bryce wanders aimlessly, calling "Mama? Mama?" but not seeing me. I call him and he ambles over, grinning, as if he's never had a care in the world. As if he hasn't been screaming for 45 minutes. I ask him if he had a fun time, he smiles and says: "Yes!"
I go to pick up my bags, and apologize profusely to one of the caregivers. "He's never like this..." I stammer. "I'm so sorry." She puts a reassuring hand on my arm and smiles.
"Don't apologize. Don't ever apologize. That is what we're here for!" she says. "He was just angry. He was never crying. We ended on a high note and he had fun singing. Don't apologize!"
I feel all at once sad and grateful. So very grateful. The gratefulness of someone who has never, in the almost-22 months she's been a parent, had another human being tell her not to be sorry that her child behaved less than perfectly. And the sadness of someone who has never in 22 months had another person tell her not to be sorry for her child's behavior.
I want to be so much more than the pathos that seeps out when I start to compose freely. I think I am, most of the time. Why does journalling inspire me to be so melodramatic?
Started the Medford Family Network's fitness class today. (The one with free childcare?) Such an awkward time to start with, I was dragging myself in. All seemed well at first, Bryce running gaily to grab the BALLS and stack the BLOCKS and roll the TRUCKS. But he decided to be angry, and screeched mercilessly while I was supposed to be stretching my hip flexors and pelvis. It was another mom who got up to see if it was her son, I preferred to lay in partial denial so that I might be able to do a bit more working out, guilt-free. Or at least guilt-less (not to be confused with guiltless).
Of course, it wasn't her son. It was my little screaming demon, loudly professing his agitation with whatever card life was dealing him at the moment. I kept stretching, tears welling in my eyes. I am the terrible mother whose child screams, who feels like she can't move anymore under the weight of the screaming. I am the terrible mother who stifles the urge to smack when he reaches for the knife, who wads my husband's abandoned dress shirts into wrinkled messes and stomps them on the floor instead (which, incidentally, feels very Richard Scarry). I am the mother who this very morning dented her bookshelf by bashing the remote control into it, over and over.
Eileen, the facilitator, assures us all that "they will come get you if more intervention is needed, don't worry". The screams stretch into wails, so thin they might snap. Eileen instructs us to imagine our bellies are balloons, filling with air and relaxing as we inhale, pressing tight against our spines flatly as we exhale. I breathe in and out, focusing on the screams. The screams are my hymns.
We get up to do some push-ups, and the screams seem to have faded. I wonder if Bryce is asleep and hope not, or he might not nap later. I am a terrible mother for wanting him to nap more than I want him to be content, right? Terrible. My wrists ache terribly from the strain, and Eileen suggests I use my fists instead. I twist my engagement ring around so it digs into the fleshy part of my palm instead of the gymnasium wall. I don't hear screaming.
As we're finishing our push-ups, I can hear the goodbye song being sung next door. It's a familiar tune, the one we sing at Isis. I hope it puts Bryce in a better mood. The facilitator reminds us to do our balloon abdominal exercises and push-ups as "homework" for next week. The children begin to flow in, gleefully calling "Mama!" and bounding to their mommy's arms. Bryce wanders aimlessly, calling "Mama? Mama?" but not seeing me. I call him and he ambles over, grinning, as if he's never had a care in the world. As if he hasn't been screaming for 45 minutes. I ask him if he had a fun time, he smiles and says: "Yes!"
I go to pick up my bags, and apologize profusely to one of the caregivers. "He's never like this..." I stammer. "I'm so sorry." She puts a reassuring hand on my arm and smiles.
"Don't apologize. Don't ever apologize. That is what we're here for!" she says. "He was just angry. He was never crying. We ended on a high note and he had fun singing. Don't apologize!"
I feel all at once sad and grateful. So very grateful. The gratefulness of someone who has never, in the almost-22 months she's been a parent, had another human being tell her not to be sorry that her child behaved less than perfectly. And the sadness of someone who has never in 22 months had another person tell her not to be sorry for her child's behavior.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
You gotta EXACISE those chompas, pt. 1
2. Write a one-paragraph description of a room in your house. Use as many specific details and senses as possible.
As you walk through the broad entry, past the partly-sheathed pocket door, you'll see a room of contradictions. A spanking-new paint job in soft creamy Pottery Barn colors, but with noticeable chips where wall meets ceiling. A contemporary sectional sofa in sleek dark leather, surrounded on either side by the bright primary plastics of a toddler's toys. Piles and piles of hip-lit books crammed into dark wood mission-style shelves face off against an enormous flat-panel plasma TV that rises like an obelisk opposite the sofa. Modern, espresso-wood furniture cleaned to gleaming perches atop a shabby and pockmarked hardwood floor. A small longhaired tortoiseshell cat purrs with insistent contentment, her body scarcely making a dent on the firm sofa cushion. The soundtrack to the room is the white-noise hum of a baby monitor, the kind of loudness you don't notice until it's gone. Even the smells offer contradictions: coffee and pledge, leather and stale Cheerios. It's as if a yuppie and a suburban housewife are quietly fighting to the death in here, and maybe they are.
As you walk through the broad entry, past the partly-sheathed pocket door, you'll see a room of contradictions. A spanking-new paint job in soft creamy Pottery Barn colors, but with noticeable chips where wall meets ceiling. A contemporary sectional sofa in sleek dark leather, surrounded on either side by the bright primary plastics of a toddler's toys. Piles and piles of hip-lit books crammed into dark wood mission-style shelves face off against an enormous flat-panel plasma TV that rises like an obelisk opposite the sofa. Modern, espresso-wood furniture cleaned to gleaming perches atop a shabby and pockmarked hardwood floor. A small longhaired tortoiseshell cat purrs with insistent contentment, her body scarcely making a dent on the firm sofa cushion. The soundtrack to the room is the white-noise hum of a baby monitor, the kind of loudness you don't notice until it's gone. Even the smells offer contradictions: coffee and pledge, leather and stale Cheerios. It's as if a yuppie and a suburban housewife are quietly fighting to the death in here, and maybe they are.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Describe the fatal accident of a highway stripe painter
Dawn was just seeping into the sky, oozing light as red as blood, when Hank realized he'd left the urn at home. Dammit, he thought, even beyond the grave That Woman still managed to cause trouble. He heaved a sigh, pushed the worn leather hat up off his head, and rubbed at his bald spot. What now?
The pickup sputtered as if in reply, and it occurred to Hank that maybe the decision of what to do next could wait till after a fillup. Coffee for him, diesel for the truck. How far to the next station? Maybe he should have gotten one of those fancy GPS systems That Woman was always talking about. He glanced at the fuel gauge, where the needle hovered menacingly between the quarter-tank mark and "E". He could make it a few more miles, maybe even ten if he had to. But he hoped he wouldn't have to. Exhaustion from the long trip was finally setting in, and he really needed that coffee.
Hank mashed at his itchy eyes. Austin and Lake Travis seemed too far away to imagine, and here he was driving all the way there because That Woman wanted her ashes scattered along the shore. Ridiculous. She was always wanting frivolous things like that. Always wanted, Hank corrected himself. Wanted. Past tense. The highway swam a little before him, but it was just the tiredness. Tears weren't for men like Hank, and definitely not over That Woman. He scraped indignantly at his eye with the heel of his hand, trying to pry the offending dust out.
--WUMP--
The pickup lurched strangely, sickeningly, as if he'd taken if off a curb. Hank glanced blearily in the rearview mirror and saw nothing, just a tornado of dust in its wake. Stupid coyotes, he thought. He hoped he wouldn't have another dent in the wheel well this time. He had enough to worry about. Thank the Lord he hadn't lost control of the truck and followed it over the ditch--it was a good 5 feet down. Worthless creatures.
That Woman would have insisted on going back, wasting time to make sure that the coyote was put out of his misery. No more, thought Hank. I can just go and leave it in peace. Coffee and diesel were waiting for him at a truck stop somewhere up ahead. He patted his rifle absentmindedly; even though he wasn't going to be using it those fond feelings had still been called up. A man should have affection for his rifle, thought Hank. A man needs to be able to rely on his rifle.
The pickup sputtered as if in reply, and it occurred to Hank that maybe the decision of what to do next could wait till after a fillup. Coffee for him, diesel for the truck. How far to the next station? Maybe he should have gotten one of those fancy GPS systems That Woman was always talking about. He glanced at the fuel gauge, where the needle hovered menacingly between the quarter-tank mark and "E". He could make it a few more miles, maybe even ten if he had to. But he hoped he wouldn't have to. Exhaustion from the long trip was finally setting in, and he really needed that coffee.
Hank mashed at his itchy eyes. Austin and Lake Travis seemed too far away to imagine, and here he was driving all the way there because That Woman wanted her ashes scattered along the shore. Ridiculous. She was always wanting frivolous things like that. Always wanted, Hank corrected himself. Wanted. Past tense. The highway swam a little before him, but it was just the tiredness. Tears weren't for men like Hank, and definitely not over That Woman. He scraped indignantly at his eye with the heel of his hand, trying to pry the offending dust out.
--WUMP--
The pickup lurched strangely, sickeningly, as if he'd taken if off a curb. Hank glanced blearily in the rearview mirror and saw nothing, just a tornado of dust in its wake. Stupid coyotes, he thought. He hoped he wouldn't have another dent in the wheel well this time. He had enough to worry about. Thank the Lord he hadn't lost control of the truck and followed it over the ditch--it was a good 5 feet down. Worthless creatures.
That Woman would have insisted on going back, wasting time to make sure that the coyote was put out of his misery. No more, thought Hank. I can just go and leave it in peace. Coffee and diesel were waiting for him at a truck stop somewhere up ahead. He patted his rifle absentmindedly; even though he wasn't going to be using it those fond feelings had still been called up. A man should have affection for his rifle, thought Hank. A man needs to be able to rely on his rifle.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The DeCordova
Sometimes, kismet strikes and I actually find out about something cool in time to attend it, rather than two days after it has run its course. Today while debating about what activity we should select to occupy our unseasonably mild summer morning, I happened to run across a deal at the DeCordova that was simply irresistible--produce your Bank of America card and photo ID and enjoy free admission to the museum and sculpture garden on the first weekend of every month, through spring of 2009.
The DeCordova is one of those attractions that seizes my fancy so entirely that I want to somehow surpass just visiting it, I want to swallow it up, to pitch a tent and live there, to wrap it around me like a blanket. This, I say to Sean, is what makes the cost of living in Massachusetts worth it. This commitment to culture, to the mixing of contemporary art and natural beauty. We walk the idyllic green lawn of the sculpture garden, the sun pressing us but not so insistently that we feel compelled to duck inside. Bryce is sweetly ignorant of his own mortality, climbing the sculptures he can reach and plunging down hills with a child's freeness, his arms and legs akimbo, somehow defying gravity by not falling. He meets a little boy at a huge pile of sticks constructed from logs wrapped in discarded tires, laughs when the preschooler ducks behind one and then emerges, crying "Peek-a-boo!". He finally seems to be old enough to have a child's appreciation of great open spaces, he relishes running free now.
The elevator is out of service, so we climb mountains of stairs to take a cursory glance at the current exhibition before it's swept away in two weeks to make way for the next. I love the tintypes, love the strange surreal narrative paintings. I want to squeeze the rubber sculptures and see if they feel like Jell-O (there's a sample for touching in the hall by the restrooms, they do.). Bryce madly presses buttons and yells gibberish into headsets while I duck into the ladies' room, balancing far too many things in my hands for fear that my husband will be unable to adequately keep him safe if he's further burdened by a digital camera or lunch bag. Who is responsible for creating this mythology of semi-incompetence, I wonder.
We select salads and soups from the cafe (really just a glorified vending machine for premade grocery store crap), eat outside on the terrace. Bryce eats most of his almond butter and jelly sandwich, gulps some yogurt, and begins plotting his escape. The wall around the terrace is alarmingly short, maybe a foot at most, and the drop beyond it is frighteningly large. I am breathless with fear, chasing Bryce around the terrace, scooping him up before he can get near the edge. He wriggles, throwing his weight down in a mad bid for freedom. This is our lot in life, I think, to fight him in order to keep him safe. We will have this struggle for many years, for the foreseeable future. Such a strange fight. Can't he just trust that we want what's best for him?
The tiny backpack we wanted to buy for him is $42.50 at the museum shop, too expensive to justify. Had it been $29.90, or had he run towards it pointing and crying "Nay! Naaaay!" we probably would have bought it. But neither of these things occurred, so after a thorough inspection of all the wooden toys, we leave empty-handed.
Driving home, Bryce insists on more Cheerios for his snack trap, then nods off soundly before he can eat any of them. His head lolls forward at an angle that can't possibly be comfortable. I look out the window as we drive, for Lincoln is beautiful. I wonder what it would be like to live here, to bike the potholed roads every day, to visit the architecturally stunning library. The schools here are amazing, the scenery is incredible. But there are no sidewalks to stroll, and even the DeCordova's website remarks on the dearth of suitable eateries in the area. It's miles and miles from downtown. I sigh, happy to visit the DeCordova, just as happy to not make my home here.
The DeCordova is one of those attractions that seizes my fancy so entirely that I want to somehow surpass just visiting it, I want to swallow it up, to pitch a tent and live there, to wrap it around me like a blanket. This, I say to Sean, is what makes the cost of living in Massachusetts worth it. This commitment to culture, to the mixing of contemporary art and natural beauty. We walk the idyllic green lawn of the sculpture garden, the sun pressing us but not so insistently that we feel compelled to duck inside. Bryce is sweetly ignorant of his own mortality, climbing the sculptures he can reach and plunging down hills with a child's freeness, his arms and legs akimbo, somehow defying gravity by not falling. He meets a little boy at a huge pile of sticks constructed from logs wrapped in discarded tires, laughs when the preschooler ducks behind one and then emerges, crying "Peek-a-boo!". He finally seems to be old enough to have a child's appreciation of great open spaces, he relishes running free now.
The elevator is out of service, so we climb mountains of stairs to take a cursory glance at the current exhibition before it's swept away in two weeks to make way for the next. I love the tintypes, love the strange surreal narrative paintings. I want to squeeze the rubber sculptures and see if they feel like Jell-O (there's a sample for touching in the hall by the restrooms, they do.). Bryce madly presses buttons and yells gibberish into headsets while I duck into the ladies' room, balancing far too many things in my hands for fear that my husband will be unable to adequately keep him safe if he's further burdened by a digital camera or lunch bag. Who is responsible for creating this mythology of semi-incompetence, I wonder.
We select salads and soups from the cafe (really just a glorified vending machine for premade grocery store crap), eat outside on the terrace. Bryce eats most of his almond butter and jelly sandwich, gulps some yogurt, and begins plotting his escape. The wall around the terrace is alarmingly short, maybe a foot at most, and the drop beyond it is frighteningly large. I am breathless with fear, chasing Bryce around the terrace, scooping him up before he can get near the edge. He wriggles, throwing his weight down in a mad bid for freedom. This is our lot in life, I think, to fight him in order to keep him safe. We will have this struggle for many years, for the foreseeable future. Such a strange fight. Can't he just trust that we want what's best for him?
The tiny backpack we wanted to buy for him is $42.50 at the museum shop, too expensive to justify. Had it been $29.90, or had he run towards it pointing and crying "Nay! Naaaay!" we probably would have bought it. But neither of these things occurred, so after a thorough inspection of all the wooden toys, we leave empty-handed.
Driving home, Bryce insists on more Cheerios for his snack trap, then nods off soundly before he can eat any of them. His head lolls forward at an angle that can't possibly be comfortable. I look out the window as we drive, for Lincoln is beautiful. I wonder what it would be like to live here, to bike the potholed roads every day, to visit the architecturally stunning library. The schools here are amazing, the scenery is incredible. But there are no sidewalks to stroll, and even the DeCordova's website remarks on the dearth of suitable eateries in the area. It's miles and miles from downtown. I sigh, happy to visit the DeCordova, just as happy to not make my home here.
Jewels
Writing is jewelry-making, stringing the pearly spheres of words onto silver sentence chains. Change the order of the beads, of the jewels, and you change the overall effect of the necklace. Move the beads around, see how they complement each other. Would this bead look better over here? Add beads, take beads off. You don't want your necklace to be too busy, too crowded. But don't allow it to be boring in its spareness, either. What is it that you really want to express with this piece of jewelry? Would it be truer if we used this bead?
Forget it. Let's just scrap this necklace and start over.
Forget it. Let's just scrap this necklace and start over.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
May 8, 2006
(1- Complete an exercise in the first AND third person. 2- Write about a significant date)
The day started too cold to bear, the fan spilling cool air over my legs, coaxing goosebumps to prick through the razor stubble. The alarm blared insistently, an awful piercing beep. I reached over, bleary-eyed, and smacked the "snooze" button. Not quite time to get up yet. Wait...I don't have to work today. My heart gave a little lurch. I wasn't going to have to line my car up with the rest, scan my badge and go up the ramp to the dank parking garage. I wouldn't have to walk past the frizzy-haired townies in Kmart sweaters as they cackled and blew out cigarette smoke. I wouldn't have to tiptoe over the grey Berber carpet, sneaking past my supervisor's cube on my way to the restroom. I was finished with that job, and the other one wouldn't start for another week.
It was May 8, and I had fully recovered from the celebrating that marked my exit from a job I first loved, then hated as it evolved from an outlet for my creativity to a loathsome exercise in frustration. I was getting married in exactly two months to my fantastic longtime boyfriend. The weather was warming, finally making good on New England's teasing promises of summer. Everything was great, except for that niggling little detail of the late period.
The day started too cold to bear, the fan spilling cool air over my legs, coaxing goosebumps to prick through the razor stubble. The alarm blared insistently, an awful piercing beep. I reached over, bleary-eyed, and smacked the "snooze" button. Not quite time to get up yet. Wait...I don't have to work today. My heart gave a little lurch. I wasn't going to have to line my car up with the rest, scan my badge and go up the ramp to the dank parking garage. I wouldn't have to walk past the frizzy-haired townies in Kmart sweaters as they cackled and blew out cigarette smoke. I wouldn't have to tiptoe over the grey Berber carpet, sneaking past my supervisor's cube on my way to the restroom. I was finished with that job, and the other one wouldn't start for another week.
It was May 8, and I had fully recovered from the celebrating that marked my exit from a job I first loved, then hated as it evolved from an outlet for my creativity to a loathsome exercise in frustration. I was getting married in exactly two months to my fantastic longtime boyfriend. The weather was warming, finally making good on New England's teasing promises of summer. Everything was great, except for that niggling little detail of the late period.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Spark word - "Flirting"
Rebecca shoved the last of her textbooks into her faded L.L. Bean backpack, brushed some impudent stray hairs out of her mouth, and shuffled down the hall. Late for chemistry again, she thought, and I'm going to be stuck sitting next to Ed.
There were no assigned seats in Mr. Icarie's chemistry I class. The students sat four to a table, each one with its own natural gas connection and water tap placed squarely in its center for them to share. Whoever sat next to you was your partner for that day, and most students in the class had wised up and started making sure to arrive early so they could partner up with friends (or at least someone cute, or cool, or with the IQ of a colobus monkey..., Rebecca thought bitterly.) Whoever arrived last was almost always partnered with Ed.
Rebecca's feet slap-slapped against the linoleum in the hallway as she walked at a brisk clip (but not fast enough to appear uncool) towards the lab. Why, oh why can't people get out of the way? Slow-moving freshman, skanky burnouts loitering by their lockers, emo kids shuffling to the bathroom with quasi-tortured expressions and secret stashes of cigarettes buried in their pencil cases...get OUT of the WAY!
Almost there, almost there....around the corner and through the door, and she was there, and there was still another empty seat! Rebecca's shoulders had just started to relax under the weight of her backpack as she breathed a sigh of relief when Mr. Icarie cleared his throat. "Rebecca," he began, "Christina and Amber are out today, so I'll need you to partner with Ed."
Rebecca felt the air rush out of the balloon of hope in her chest. Ed! Stupid Ed! What had she done to deserve that? She slumped in defeat and walked sourly to the seat in the corner, feeling the eyes of her classmates burning into her as she passed. Ed! As if she didn't have enough to worry about.
Rebecca shoved the last of her textbooks into her faded L.L. Bean backpack, brushed some impudent stray hairs out of her mouth, and shuffled down the hall. Late for chemistry again, she thought, and I'm going to be stuck sitting next to Ed.
There were no assigned seats in Mr. Icarie's chemistry I class. The students sat four to a table, each one with its own natural gas connection and water tap placed squarely in its center for them to share. Whoever sat next to you was your partner for that day, and most students in the class had wised up and started making sure to arrive early so they could partner up with friends (or at least someone cute, or cool, or with the IQ of a colobus monkey..., Rebecca thought bitterly.) Whoever arrived last was almost always partnered with Ed.
Rebecca's feet slap-slapped against the linoleum in the hallway as she walked at a brisk clip (but not fast enough to appear uncool) towards the lab. Why, oh why can't people get out of the way? Slow-moving freshman, skanky burnouts loitering by their lockers, emo kids shuffling to the bathroom with quasi-tortured expressions and secret stashes of cigarettes buried in their pencil cases...get OUT of the WAY!
Almost there, almost there....around the corner and through the door, and she was there, and there was still another empty seat! Rebecca's shoulders had just started to relax under the weight of her backpack as she breathed a sigh of relief when Mr. Icarie cleared his throat. "Rebecca," he began, "Christina and Amber are out today, so I'll need you to partner with Ed."
Rebecca felt the air rush out of the balloon of hope in her chest. Ed! Stupid Ed! What had she done to deserve that? She slumped in defeat and walked sourly to the seat in the corner, feeling the eyes of her classmates burning into her as she passed. Ed! As if she didn't have enough to worry about.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tell a Story in the Form of a Love Letter
My Dearest Madeline,
How long has it been since I've left? I can scarcely remember. it seems like it must have been a million years ago that we walked together in Central Park. Was it really only last fall? I still remember the way my coat, long and sleek and black as night, billowed around my ankles as we skipped along. Your shoes made such a jolly tap-tap on the walkway!
Things are different now, where I am is different. The man I am living with does not skip, nor would he ever think of allowing his shoes to sing gaily the way yours so often would. No, he is stoic and quiet and solemn. But don't worry, he is kind and gentle, and I know I hold a special place in his heart even if he doesn't frolic with me the way that you did. In the evenings when he comes home from work, I'll often sit with my head in his lap, and he'll idly stroke my hair. Such love! Such bliss! But never quite the way it was with you.
Oh Madeline, Madeline. It makes me quiver with misery that we ever could have allowed someone to come between us. Remember how you would read to me from those thick volumes on cold winter nights? We'd burrow into the blankets on your bed and lay together till the sun came up. Sharing your bed, Madeline, was a thing of more pleasure than I ever could have imagined. Your bed was for us and us alone, till he came into the picture. And to think that I believed you when you introduced him as your "friend".
No friend of mine, he. For now it's him lying with you in happy slumber on the bed, and I sleep alone.
Please don't take that to mean that I'm angry with you, dear Madeline nothing could be further from the truth. He has bewitched you, I know that he has. I feared it would happen from the first time he looked at me with displeasure (when you were looking away) and started to change the subject to discuss his "allergies". I saw the sympathy on your face, and I wanted to say that I had allergies too, I wanted to talk about how my skin is affected with any change in my diet. But my mouth seemed frozen shut, I know now that I should have spoken up, for that was the beginning of the end of our love affair.
When your "friend" started to come by more and more often, I should have put a stop to it. I should have forbade you to invite him here, I should have explained that I needed you. But again, i couldn't seem to find the words. Even when the day came that you sat me down and told me that he was moving in, and that I needed to go, I just sat there sadly, unable to speak.
No more. I cannot get you out of my head, dear Madeline. And now I know that I made an enormous mistake in allowing our love to slip through my fingers. I know you said it would be easier if we didn't stay friends, so I've respected that and not contacted you. But I can remain silent no longer. I must tell you now that I love you, that I adore you to the very core of my being. I beg you, leave him. We belong together. My place is by your side. I long for your voice, your touch. I cannot go on without you. Madeline, please reconsider.
If you say no, I won't contact you again. But please, don't say no. I remain...
...forever your dog,
--Scout
How long has it been since I've left? I can scarcely remember. it seems like it must have been a million years ago that we walked together in Central Park. Was it really only last fall? I still remember the way my coat, long and sleek and black as night, billowed around my ankles as we skipped along. Your shoes made such a jolly tap-tap on the walkway!
Things are different now, where I am is different. The man I am living with does not skip, nor would he ever think of allowing his shoes to sing gaily the way yours so often would. No, he is stoic and quiet and solemn. But don't worry, he is kind and gentle, and I know I hold a special place in his heart even if he doesn't frolic with me the way that you did. In the evenings when he comes home from work, I'll often sit with my head in his lap, and he'll idly stroke my hair. Such love! Such bliss! But never quite the way it was with you.
Oh Madeline, Madeline. It makes me quiver with misery that we ever could have allowed someone to come between us. Remember how you would read to me from those thick volumes on cold winter nights? We'd burrow into the blankets on your bed and lay together till the sun came up. Sharing your bed, Madeline, was a thing of more pleasure than I ever could have imagined. Your bed was for us and us alone, till he came into the picture. And to think that I believed you when you introduced him as your "friend".
No friend of mine, he. For now it's him lying with you in happy slumber on the bed, and I sleep alone.
Please don't take that to mean that I'm angry with you, dear Madeline nothing could be further from the truth. He has bewitched you, I know that he has. I feared it would happen from the first time he looked at me with displeasure (when you were looking away) and started to change the subject to discuss his "allergies". I saw the sympathy on your face, and I wanted to say that I had allergies too, I wanted to talk about how my skin is affected with any change in my diet. But my mouth seemed frozen shut, I know now that I should have spoken up, for that was the beginning of the end of our love affair.
When your "friend" started to come by more and more often, I should have put a stop to it. I should have forbade you to invite him here, I should have explained that I needed you. But again, i couldn't seem to find the words. Even when the day came that you sat me down and told me that he was moving in, and that I needed to go, I just sat there sadly, unable to speak.
No more. I cannot get you out of my head, dear Madeline. And now I know that I made an enormous mistake in allowing our love to slip through my fingers. I know you said it would be easier if we didn't stay friends, so I've respected that and not contacted you. But I can remain silent no longer. I must tell you now that I love you, that I adore you to the very core of my being. I beg you, leave him. We belong together. My place is by your side. I long for your voice, your touch. I cannot go on without you. Madeline, please reconsider.
If you say no, I won't contact you again. But please, don't say no. I remain...
...forever your dog,
--Scout
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Mercy of No Meringue
Spark Word - "Prophecy"
Ruby bent down, as far down as her stiff hips would allow, and adjusted the strap of her sandal. It would have been easy once, but now her fingers, gnarled with arthritis, felt too big and clumsy to be hers. (Whose fingers were these? Hers were soft and pink and smooth, never brown with dust and thick with callouses. She would never have allowed such a thing to occur. Who had played this cruel joke of switching fingers on her?)
Ruby heaved a sigh. No sense in waiting, really. May as well get on with it. She hitched up the faded floral skirt she was wearing, taking care to ensure that the scratchy lace on the slip she wore under it wasn't peeking out rebelliously, and hobbled into the church.
Blinking in the semi-darkness, Ruby looked around for Lobelia. It was Lobelia's special day, the day she would officially become a Chosen Person. (Hogwash, as if Lobelia was any more "chosen" than any other person. She couldn't even make a meringue set properly.) Once her eyes adjusted to the dim, she spied Lobelia sitting in the front row, wringing her hands nervously. (Probably worrying that that son of hers will ride that motorcycle here and make a ruckus.) She started to head for the nearest seat, then thought better of it and hobbled down the aisle to Lobelia.
"Lobelia."
A pair of milky blue eyes fixed themselves on her, and a pair of carefully penciled-in eyebrows raised in response.
"Are you still plannin' to go on about this foolishness?"
Now the eyes narrowed, and the mouth set itself in an angry line. "Ruby Joy Miller. I most certainly AM planning to go through with this. Becoming a Chosen Person is the best thing that's happened to me since Hank passed." She gathered herself up and puffed out her chest like a hen, then lowered her voice to a gravelly whisper. "Besides," she hissed, "I already told you that that's what the prophecy says I must do."
Ruby had heard enough of this prophecy nonsense to last several lifetimes, thank you. Lobelia and her prophecy nonsense. As if a coffee stain on a Reader's Digest could really be trusted to give one an accurate prophecy. But Lobelia must have known just what she was thinking, because she reached into her bag and pulled out the magazine, wrapped with care in tissue paper and contained within one of those brand-name zipper bags. "Here!" she snapped as she thrust the parcel at Ruby, "Have another look! It says so right there. Are you denyin' it?"
Ruby wanted to say that yes, indeed, she was denying it. But Lobelia was already making a scene, and the last thing Ruby wanted was for everyone in town to be talking about the loud spat two old ladies had in the crazy church. She made a "tsk" sound with her tongue instead. "Now Lobelia," she began, "Ain't no sense in gettin' worked up again. If this is what you think the good Lord wants for you, I can't see fit to stop you."
Lobelia, looking somewhat placated, reached for the Readers Digest and set it reverently on the seat next to her, where Ruby stared at it with distaste. "It's almost time." Lobelia swooned. "Are you sure you won't think about becoming a Chosen Person with me? The Lord would want that."
Ruby shook her head hard enough to toss her curlers about. "No thank you. That nonsense is not for me, and I'll thank you to leave me out of it," she began, then felt guilty at Lobelia's stricken face. "But I'll sit in the back and watch."
Lobelia seemed to brighten a bit at that news. "Well, then you should find a seat. The Leader is almost ready to begin." she chirped.
Ruby nodded slowly. "Well, then I will. Good luck, Lobelia." She turned and started to hobble back to the back of the church when she remembered something and turned back to Lobelia. "Will there be cake and punch after?" she asked.
Lobelia looked annoyed. "Ruby," she said, "You know that the Leader forbids eating or drinking anything with sugar. The Lord doesn't want us to excite our taste buds that way. It's heathen."
Ruby didn't know whether to feel outraged on Lobelia's behalf or relieved that she would no longer be plagued by Lobelia's pitiful attempts at baked goods. She hobbled quietly back to her seat.
Ruby bent down, as far down as her stiff hips would allow, and adjusted the strap of her sandal. It would have been easy once, but now her fingers, gnarled with arthritis, felt too big and clumsy to be hers. (Whose fingers were these? Hers were soft and pink and smooth, never brown with dust and thick with callouses. She would never have allowed such a thing to occur. Who had played this cruel joke of switching fingers on her?)
Ruby heaved a sigh. No sense in waiting, really. May as well get on with it. She hitched up the faded floral skirt she was wearing, taking care to ensure that the scratchy lace on the slip she wore under it wasn't peeking out rebelliously, and hobbled into the church.
Blinking in the semi-darkness, Ruby looked around for Lobelia. It was Lobelia's special day, the day she would officially become a Chosen Person. (Hogwash, as if Lobelia was any more "chosen" than any other person. She couldn't even make a meringue set properly.) Once her eyes adjusted to the dim, she spied Lobelia sitting in the front row, wringing her hands nervously. (Probably worrying that that son of hers will ride that motorcycle here and make a ruckus.) She started to head for the nearest seat, then thought better of it and hobbled down the aisle to Lobelia.
"Lobelia."
A pair of milky blue eyes fixed themselves on her, and a pair of carefully penciled-in eyebrows raised in response.
"Are you still plannin' to go on about this foolishness?"
Now the eyes narrowed, and the mouth set itself in an angry line. "Ruby Joy Miller. I most certainly AM planning to go through with this. Becoming a Chosen Person is the best thing that's happened to me since Hank passed." She gathered herself up and puffed out her chest like a hen, then lowered her voice to a gravelly whisper. "Besides," she hissed, "I already told you that that's what the prophecy says I must do."
Ruby had heard enough of this prophecy nonsense to last several lifetimes, thank you. Lobelia and her prophecy nonsense. As if a coffee stain on a Reader's Digest could really be trusted to give one an accurate prophecy. But Lobelia must have known just what she was thinking, because she reached into her bag and pulled out the magazine, wrapped with care in tissue paper and contained within one of those brand-name zipper bags. "Here!" she snapped as she thrust the parcel at Ruby, "Have another look! It says so right there. Are you denyin' it?"
Ruby wanted to say that yes, indeed, she was denying it. But Lobelia was already making a scene, and the last thing Ruby wanted was for everyone in town to be talking about the loud spat two old ladies had in the crazy church. She made a "tsk" sound with her tongue instead. "Now Lobelia," she began, "Ain't no sense in gettin' worked up again. If this is what you think the good Lord wants for you, I can't see fit to stop you."
Lobelia, looking somewhat placated, reached for the Readers Digest and set it reverently on the seat next to her, where Ruby stared at it with distaste. "It's almost time." Lobelia swooned. "Are you sure you won't think about becoming a Chosen Person with me? The Lord would want that."
Ruby shook her head hard enough to toss her curlers about. "No thank you. That nonsense is not for me, and I'll thank you to leave me out of it," she began, then felt guilty at Lobelia's stricken face. "But I'll sit in the back and watch."
Lobelia seemed to brighten a bit at that news. "Well, then you should find a seat. The Leader is almost ready to begin." she chirped.
Ruby nodded slowly. "Well, then I will. Good luck, Lobelia." She turned and started to hobble back to the back of the church when she remembered something and turned back to Lobelia. "Will there be cake and punch after?" she asked.
Lobelia looked annoyed. "Ruby," she said, "You know that the Leader forbids eating or drinking anything with sugar. The Lord doesn't want us to excite our taste buds that way. It's heathen."
Ruby didn't know whether to feel outraged on Lobelia's behalf or relieved that she would no longer be plagued by Lobelia's pitiful attempts at baked goods. She hobbled quietly back to her seat.
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